“When you’re ready to quit, you are closer then you think.” –Bob Parsons GoDaddy CEO
Okay, this is not me whoring my blog out to my new employer. I heard this quote and I feel with everything I have had happen its fitting. This week has been one of many changes for me and makes me feel like I’m starting all over. And that is a good thing.
I have just finished my fourth week of Behavioral Modification Therapy. This week has made me realize how much I have held onto for the longest time and have finally let go of two major things that have been holding me back.
One of these aspects came to life is my relationship with my father. Now, I’m not going to go into major details here but my father and I did not have any real relationship. This was a problem I had harbored within me for quite some time. Even to the point where it prevented me from caring about people or letting people get to close. Needless to say the time had passed for me to let go.
So, this past Monday armed with a letter I went to my father’s gravesite for the first time (with a special assist from one amazing and phenomenal person, more on this soon). What transpired was difficult, I stood there for five minutes telling him everything I felt and reading this letter. I admit, I cried but once I dropped this letter at his grave, it felt like a boulder had been lifted off my shoulders. At that point I realized that this was long overdue.
Quite frankly, if it was not for one person that stepped up I would have needed to wait to relieve myself of this burden. This made me realize another valuable lesson. If there is someone that means a lot to you in your life, you need to tell them. Actions don’t show it as much as telling them how you feel does. Actions are nice don’t get me wrong, but if you have that one person that has stood behind you when you have given them every reason not to, that is someone special. That someone in your life needs to know it and you need to tell them. Just some unsolicited advice from me.
Following this and starting my new job I felt like I had been reborn. But there was one more road to cross. You see for the longest time I have not been able to drive. Anytime I have gotten behind the wheel I would have an instant anxiety attack. We are talking full blown me passing out anxiety attack. Not the best thing to have happen behind the wheel.
So, today my therapist took me out driving. And it happened again I had an anxiety attack. Following this he made me stopped and talked to me about it. It was then we realized that what was bothering me was a perceived lack of control. In the past I have had this overwhelming desire to control everything. To what people did, thought, etc. In short one of the aspects that made me unbearable to be around, but I digress. He told me I could only control me. Not the other drivers and to just focus on what I could do.
With that being said it was gut check time, time to man up, put up or shut up or whatever other motivational statement you wish to include was how I felt right then and there. I sat behind the wheel and started driving. The little blue Prius with Iowa Mental Health on the side bumping Tupac’s “California Love”, with the fine farm folk of Ely awkwardly watching on; was being drove by Erich Pilcher. Now, granted it was only at 15 miles per hour but for me this was success. I had overcame a major obstacle and for me this was a triumph. So, now I’m fully entrenched in taking the test for my license. That comes in two weeks and there is no doubt I will succeed.
Both of these actions were me overcoming fears. I was always scared to say my feeling on my father because I did not want to face any criticism. I had a fear of driving for god only knows what reason. But finally I was able to dismiss both fears and now I now my slate has been wiped clean.
This finally feels like a new beginning for me. I have a new job (that I could possibly enjoy lol) and have vanquished the demons and obstacles that have been holding me back. The fact is I was so close to quitting and just being done, that I did not realize that I was so close to succeeding. That is what the opening quote means.
The old Erich would have just said I did it alone. But I have not. For once I feel like I have a strong support group behind me. They are a small but mighty army and have done everything they can to be in my corner. The fact is they have given me the power to succeed, when in past instances I have failed. This is a new start for me and its going to be a wild ride. Because I have come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to be here for a long time, but I will be here for a good time. It’s finally time for my good time to begin.
Good for you Erich, I am so excited for you being able to get your life on the right track. You do have a good support group for being there for you through all of this. I wish you a lot of luck in the future and good luck with the new job.
I think this is the most important step you’ve made thus far and may make overall. The ability to drive will open up your independence and will create new pathways, both literally and figuratively, that you never could have imagined existed. This is the first real tangible step you have taken and I sincerely hope that you follow through.
Good for you Erich. It seems so often when we identify what is holding us back, it’s not the the world that we howl at, it’s the voice from inside ourselves telling us to howl. The hand holding us back often ends at our own wrist. May you continue to feel new life and growth.